IT’S OVER. 😞

I worked at this company for almost two years and I never expected to go through all of this. From being lied to and falsely accused to having my job in question over an incident that I was not presently involved in. All of these problems truly opened my eyes to who is really for me and who is not. My own boss who I worked a long side for nearly a year decided to turn a blind eye because he just didn’t want to deal with what was going on.

Growing up I was never one to really take up for myself when I was treated badly. I would continue in a certain situation because I didn’t see any other way to get through it. When I came to this job it was the same thing. I was talked down to and made to feel like I was inadequate and not capable of doing well because I was a young and a female but I worked hard and I proved my then-boss, wrong. Not too long ago, I started fighting back when I realized that no one else was going to do it for me.

I’m about to get real with y’all. So, I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression since I was a kid. I put up with a lot of pain, problems, and abuse because I didn’t feel like I deserved better or that I had the power to change anything. I have been fighting to gain control over my life for as long as I can remember and anytime I tried to fight back, it only got worse to the point that I just stopped trying. I would be fighting back at school, at work, and at home, … wherever I would go there was always someone waiting for me like I had a target on my back.

I felt numb and that I was walking through this life completely alone. I didn’t feel that I could go to anyone with my problems so I buried them beneath my makeup, my curly hair, and my smile. I was always afraid that If I defended myself I would be asked who did I think I was to stand up for myself and I felt that I didn’t know. I didn’t know who I was or why I was so angry when I was mistreated, all I knew was that it wasn’t right, and that I wanted the opportunity as everyone else around me to be respected. I would stutter when I would try to explain myself. I would shake at the raising of my own voice. I was fearful of becoming too angry, I was afraid of who I was. I felt like a stranger in my own body and I felt like an outcast in this world.

When I began to accept myself for who I am that is when everything started to change. When I realized that I have value, that I am important and that my voice and my opinion matters, if not to anyone else, it matters to me. That’s also when things started to fall apart at work. When I was a push-over, I would pull my own weight and the weight of others around me. That kept everyone happy. The minute I began to understand what was taking place at work everyday, I started to question things and that is when I realized that I no longer wanted to work at that company. I realized that no matter my work ethic, initiative, and focus, there was room to think less of me because I am a young woman and it’s not about being fair and if someone else is favored more, I have to fall in line and accept that I am just a placeholder and not a person. No matter how many times

I tried to hold a professional conversation and try to resolve some pressing issue, I could tell that I wasn’t seen as valuable and that there was always room for doubt in their minds. I am proud to say that all the hostility, drama, and confusion has made me a stronger person and that I am quitting that horrible job. I quit before because it was getting in the way of school and college was my #1 priority and I graduated, (yay). However, I learned the hard way that if the shoe didn’t fit the first time, you don’t try to make it fit, you just get a different pair. I was very hurt to find out what was conspiring behind my back at work today but I’m relieved to know that I now have clarity on who is for me and who is not.

Moving on is a good thing and growing as a person is better and even more important. If anyone was to ask me who do I think that I am to say anything, I will straight up tell them who I am and if anyone reading this is suffering with depression or just feels like they are constantly losing, I am there with you and maybe it’s just time to remove yourself from a toxic environment and go a different route to chase after your destiny and you owe it to yourself to do what is right for you. You owe it to yourself to do right by you. If you can’t find a door to walk out, break a window.

Xo,

Nina.