| synonyms: | indifference, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of concern, unconcern, uninterestedness, unresponsiveness, impassivity, dispassion, lethargy, languor, ennui;
rareacedia
“widespread apathy among the voters”
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Growing up, I felt that I was under a lot of pressure to be this perfect person and at the same time I had no idea who I was and what I wanted out of life. It was like watching myself from the outside becoming someone that I didn’t want to be. I was held to a standard that felt impossible to ever achieve and when I made a mistake I punished myself. I already felt the weight of the world and still, I wanted to hurt myself more than anyone else. It was an unending cycle of abuse that I didn’t know how to stop it and I’m not knocking anyone’s beliefs but for me, I felt like I could never live or truly be myself.
A lot has happened in my life that has hurt and shaped me in ways I didn’t even think was possible. There are some days where I just feel so down about everything that has happened and how my life is turning out, that I just stop wanting to feel at all. Apathy has become my safety net, only, I am not really safe, because as strong as I have built this structure around me, there are cracks in it, and all it takes is one good hit for everything to come tumbling down. After the bricks fall, all my emotions can come pouring out all at once.
I feel lost in my life at this point. There’s so much that I want to do but I have no idea how to get there and it’s hard to watch other people have opportunities of success while I still feel that I am not progressing fast enough. I feel everything so deeply that I analyze and judge situations so harshly that I can never fully enjoy what is happening. I feel this hyper-aware tension in most social situations. I am almost always in a state of being uncomfortable in my surroundings and my present state of being. This feeling is either brought on by the people that I am surrounded by or thoughts that I am stressing over in the back of my mind that compete for my attention while I am in a social situation.
I tell myself that maybe I am just not ready right now and that’s why it has been so hard for me and that I should just focus on myself and my well-being. I consider the fact that most artists are known as “starving artists” or people that are not estranged to depression, mental illness, or failure and that those who experience the sadder emotions and complexities of life are more relatable and have the best stories. I try to create remain positive and remind myself that I will have many great stories to write about one day. I just don’t want to sit on my talent and my abilities, which is one of the reasons why I created this website. There’s a reason why I have a passion for the art of music, writing, and film and I don’t want to waste any of it.
I don’t want anything or anyone keeping me from doing what I want to do and I know that it is going to be hard but it’s what I want. The physical pains in my body and mental strains are only temporary. Everyone that follows and reads my blogs, you guys keep me motivated and you keep me going. You all give me hope for what will happen in the future. I don’t know what is up ahead but I want to start to enjoy the ride. I think deep down inside we are all in the pursuit of love and happiness and sometimes life throws us off track and we have to find our way back on to continue to move forward into our destiny.
I am not sure how to deal with apathy. I think that the best way to deal with it is to just choose to feel. I used to watch The Vampire Diaries when I was in high school and I thought, how cool would it be to just turn off your emotions, like a switch, and not have to deal with your problems. I would see the aftermath of turning off their emotions and how it made everything worse, but still, I felt that it somehow would make everything better to not have to deal with emotions all the time; and as it turns out, there is a way, but it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. I’ve been using apathy as a kill switch and maybe one day I will learn to not use it all. The one thing that I have learned is to focus on one emotion, to focus on one problem and not them all at once because it makes you feel overwhelmed and then the cycle begins again.
That’s all I have for you guys today. Thank you for reading my post and I hope that it was informative and that it helps someone. I am thinking of doing more posts on mental health in the future because so many of us struggle with this especially artists and I want to reach more people by sharing a part of my experiences and creating more of an open dialogue. I hope you guys enjoyed my blog post and I will catch you all next time!
Xo,
Nina.
The nina diaries 
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