Making Waves + Growth.

It can be hard to fight for what you want, especially if you feel like you’re making too many waves by stating that something is bothering you or that you are uncomfortable in a certain situation. I wrestled with myself and who I was a lot growing up. I felt like I couldn’t get too comfortable in my own skin. I couldn’t be comfortable enough to have my own opinions and identity apart from everyone else. To laugh loudly, unapologetically and to march to the beat of my own drum. I was taught that other people’s opinions mattered more than my own and that I had to integrate myself in society in order to get through life and I’ve lost myself along the way. I realized that today, how I was once a free-spirited child and I didn’t care about what people thought about me. I was happy to be alive and I was so focused on my goals for the future. Honestly, I miss that little girl that was fearless. I wonder what she would have been like had she not let people project their fears onto her, but I am getting to know her, and she is slowly finding her voice and inner strength again.

Let me just rant for like a quick second… So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always had issues with my birth name. I always wanted a name that sounded more pretty or fancy. It was just the worst to walk in the room and someone else had my name but most of all, I wanted a name that wasn’t constantly spelled wrong. I hate, I absolutely HATE when people spell my name wrong. Especially when it’s a teacher that you’ve known for over a year that promises to spell your name correctly the next year and still doesn’t spell it right. Or when you correct the spelling on every sheet they give you and they still keep spelling it wrong. Sheesh! Yeah, I’m still kinda salty about that. It’s worse when your friends with someone for years and you realize they don’t know how to spell your name correctly either. Here’s a hint, there’s only one “N” in my name! And this isn’t the first time you’ve told them. It honestly just seems like you aren’t as important to them if you can manage to spell their name right but somehow they can’t. This is one of the reasons I created part my stage name, “Nina.” The story behind my name has it’s own blog post yet to be written but I knew that Nina couldn’t exactly be spelled wrong as often as Briana has been in the past unless someone just doesn’t know how to spell but that’s another thing. -__-

In other news, I stood up for myself today and it was tough because I felt really angry and anxious because I was so fed up with feeling bullied and beat down on. I used to feel overwhelmed with anxiety and self-doubt and wanting to overthink whenever I was in stressful situations. I’ve had to fight a lot this past year and I just didn’t want to anymore because it seemed like there was always a new struggle. Every time I wondered if I would be taken seriously but I knew I couldn’t back down. Today was the first time that I didn’t really care what the outcome was, I just knew I wasn’t going to let anyone get away with talking down to me again. I was in a high-pressure work situation as I have been in a lot lately and I’ve just felt repeatedly tossed to the side or treated with a lack of respect whether it was a customer, team member, or someone in a leadership role above me, I just felt so disrespected. So, I confronted a bully today and let it be known that I was not okay with the way that I was being treated and I wasn’t going to tolerate it. Unknowingly, I had learned and rehearsed as a child, that when an adult starts to smile at you or try to weasel their way out of a situation, you were supposed to smile and nod along with them as a way to show a compromise or that you were backing down. Today I realized that I didn’t have to keep a facade and continue to give people permission to hurt me. That smile and nod was like saying “it’s okay” when what happened was anything but okay.

This year has been a journey of growth and of acceptance. I haven’t been able to document it all down because I’ve been working two jobs and some of my best material comes after I get through some pretty dark places in my life and there were plenty of storms to weather this year. From struggling to get a new apartment, heartbreak, insomnia, depression, my car breaking down, and more. All of these problems just became my excuse to check out on life and stop trying so hard. Some days I wake up and I wonder what I am fighting for, then I look in the mirror and I remember; because I’m me and I just don’t give up. I have overcome a lot and I have a long ways to go to finding myself again and becoming the person that I am meant to be. Life is hard, it’s rough, messy, and sometimes just downright cruel, but I’m determined to not let it get the best of me. I don’t know what the future looks like, but I know I plan to enjoy and be happy. Well, that’s all I have for you guys today. Hopefully, it won’t always be a month in between me writing blog posts. I’m still working out a plan to be able to blog more and keep you guys updated. Thank you for being patient with me. Keep fighting!

Until next time,

Xo,

Nina.

All gifs originated from google images. 🙂