I don’t know why I woke up at 5 am this morning and started this post but I will just go with it. I’m going to do something different this time. I am going to tell you guys a story about the last guy that I ever loved. It will mostly be summed up in gifs.
Editing Notes: I started this post a couple weeks ago and I debated on posting it. It’s really personal but the great thing about being a writer is that we write from experience and somehow it helps to heal you. I guess that’s what I’m doing now. I’m writing from a place of hurt but also of acceptance and understanding.
– Looking Back –
I was going through depression for years and I didn’t even know it. I just felt empty and alone all the time but I thought it was normal because everyone seemed to feel alone.
Every day I felt half alive and I needed something to make me want to breathe again.
I was hurting, I was broken for a very long time and nobody knew. I put a smile on my face and I laughed and I goofed off at school and I very much seemed like I was happy but I wasn’t. Everyone seemed to only see the facade.
I wasn’t supposed to get so close to him. We were friends. He was someone I could talk to that made me laugh and listened when I told him what I was going through. The closer he got, the more I started to push him away because I didn’t want to let him in if it meant me getting hurt. I remember the first time he kissed me, it changed everything.
Feelings I didn’t know I really had came rushing in and I knew I couldn’t fall for him. I ignored his texts and tried not to think about him but my heart wouldn’t take no for an answer. I wanted so badly to be loved and to be cared about.
Then one night, out of the blue he tells me he loves me. I didn’t believe him but I wanted to. Within a couple of weeks, the words shot out of me like fireworks. I tried to stay away but I told one of my friends how I felt about him and it was so crazy and so scary.
I started to let him see the most vulnerable parts of myself and I told him that I don’t do this often and that I’m trusting him with my heart. He told me that he wouldn’t hurt me. But you know how love is when you’re young, it’s rare when it’s real.
It felt like a whirlwind romance.
But we began to hit some serious bumps in our relationship and unfortunately, it just got worse with time. It started off with him getting really jealous at the mention of another guy which made me very uncomfortable especially with other people around. He would tell me quietly that he was upset then smile in front of everyone else like nothing was wrong. It started to feel toxic and I started to question the relationship.
I tried to not let it bother me too much because we used to always come to each other with our problems or concerns. We would apologize to each other and I felt like we were in a good place. Nothing ever went a day without being discussed or resolved. However, as time went on he started to pull away from me emotionally and he no longer tried as hard as he did, in the beginning. Problems were festering. I felt like I was the only one wide open and staying committed to the relationship. I would speak to him and it was like speaking to a brick wall. I felt like I was pushing him away further by trying to reconnect with him. I just felt so lost.
I would tell him how much he meant to me and that I was still very much in love with him and I felt like he was still pulling away. He always apologized but he didn’t understand the pain that he was causing me and apologies just didn’t make a difference. Nothing changed or got better between us but from the outside looking in, we were happy. He always wanted to buy me things when all I wanted was a physical touch and being told that I meant something to him. Every time he rejected me it felt 10x worse because of the pain that I was already carrying.
We fought more often and it seemed meaningless to even voice my concerns anymore. He started telling me that I was asking for too much of him and that he was young and he wanted to have a good time without feeling like I was constantly nagging him. I just wanted him to hear me for once but it was useless.
It’s like he didn’t even care that I was crying, that I was begging him to be the person that I fell in love with. He just kept explaining himself and that he didn’t see things the way I was seeing them and that I was trying to force him to think like me. I could have screamed and it still wouldn’t have been loud enough for him to hear me out.
I gave him every opportunity to run away, I pushed him away so many times in the beginning. I told him that it wouldn’t be easy and he promised that he wouldn’t hurt me. It always seems to end the same when it comes to love. It’s all sunshine and rainbows in the beginning until the honeymoon wears off and there’s a mess to clean up and life gets hard.
It’s easy to fall in love when everything is good but no one wants to stay when love gets messy.
Every guy always says that they are different from the last one but they never are.
I’ve racked my brain to think if there’s anything I could have done differently and reality is, I’m no angel, I made mistakes in the relationship but I held on and fought as long as I could for it. But, it doesn’t matter how hard you fight to love someone if they aren’t willing to do the same for you.
He couldn’t see what was happening and instead of doing better, he just checked out of the relationship completely and waited for it to be over. He didn’t know what depression was and he didn’t bother educating himself to try to understand how I felt.
He used to make me feel so bad for asking more of him because I didn’t want to treat him the way that I was treated in the past. I didn’t want to demand anything from him or force him. I just wanted him to hear me. For me to be at my lowest point and fight for me the way I did for him so many times in the past.
I used to try to tiptoe around his feeling and ask nicely but I grew impatient. I stopped holding it in and biting my tongue and I started speaking up.
I told him exactly what I needed from him.
I told him that he’s been walking away and that I’ve always stayed, I never treated the relationship like it was an option.
He broke my heart into a million pieces over and over again then just crushed it in his hands. We tried to talk about the relationship after it was over and it only made me feel worse because he told me that he wasn’t sure that he was ever in love with me or that he even knew what love was. It killed me, it killed something very deep inside. A lot of other nasty, awful s&!% happened too but these are the highlights.
He told his friends about my depression and intimate details about my life that he promised he would never tell anyone. He said that he was trying to help but I feel like he was just venting his frustrations and he didn’t care anymore about my feelings at all.
I felt like he wanted me to hate him, he wanted to cause me pain and for me to regret being with him and I felt all of it and more.
He lied to his friends about me and made me out to be someone that I wasn’t. He put all the blame on me instead of trying to work through the relationship. His friend verbally attacked me, trying to defend him, saying that I’ve been a bully and twisting everything I said. His friend brought up my past as a way to target me and that’s how I knew my ex-bf told him everything.
I didn’t know what hurt worse, loving someone and realizing you didn’t know them at all or losing another person that promised to always be there, another person that lied to my face every day saying they loved me, (yeah, it still stings a little, can you tell?).
Then I came to work and found that he had told everyone our business. I tried to tell my side of the story but it only made things worse. You should never vent to other people. Nobody should know what goes on at home. I realized that nothing I did was ever going to be enough. All the begging, pleading, and speeches meant nothing to him. It wasn’t worth saving. I meant nothing to him and I was alone again with my pain.
He was no different than anyone else that had entered my life. He came in, made a mess, and hurt me. I was reeling from it all. Everything was playing back in my mind and I just wanted to break everything in my sight.
So many speeches, there were so many times that I poured my heart out, pulled it out of my chest and showed it to him, and still nothing. I told him that I just cared too much and he didn’t care at all.
It felt like I was on fire trapped in a small box. My insides were being burned alive and nothing could ease the pain.
Everything that I had been so afraid of happened. I was betrayed, I was hurt, and embarrassed. I just wanted everything to be burned away.
I was spiraling out of control so I picked one emotion to cling to, anger, and that what kept me going for a while. My heart had turned to stone and I no longer cared if what I said hurt or not. We still had to see each other from time to time and I didn’t want to play nice. He wanted things to just be fine and to be friends and I seriously thought he was the most delusional human being on the earth.
I almost told him as much and he was hurt and didn’t understand why he was being treated this way and I told him that I didn’t love him anymore.
It was a long way down. I said some mean things but I mean it.
I told him that I was done waiting for him to grow up and be the person I needed him to be.
He promised to never hurt me. He knew the hell that I had been through.
He knew everything and he still walked away.
So, I guess it wasn’t REAL love because I believe that when you really love someone, there’s no giving up, no walking out, no such thing as being tired.
When you commit, you commit. You are making a promise to someone with those words and you shouldn’t say it if you don’t mean it.
The story would have ended here if we didn’t have to see each other but we were still roommates and worked at the same job. There was no escaping the situation or quickly getting over it.
I was changing, I was becoming tougher, meaner, and I wasn’t taking crap from anyone anymore.
He swore he knew who I was and I promised him that he didn’t.
So I shut it all off. I turned off all my emotions because I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. It’s a very dangerous thing to do but I just couldn’t take the pain. If I wasn’t angry, I was crying and the whole world was on fire.
I was remembering the good and the bad and nothing could stop my heart from breaking…
….Unless I felt nothing.
I kept being told that I needed to deal with my problems but I didn’t want to, I just wanted the pain to go away.
I was angry and I was bitter.
It was a rollercoaster for months of me smiling and being silly to me being angry and drowning.
Every time I suppressed my emotions, they found a way to come charging out.
It was hard to move on, it was hard to focus, it was hard to write. I just wanted to disappear.
Things just got worse and all my emotions poured out all at once and I broke down and I couldn’t stop crying. I had to stop lying to myself and everyone and admit that I was hurting.
I felt like everyone that knew about the breakup, took his side and honestly I was in so much pain at that point, I just didn’t feel it anymore. I knew it was there but it couldn’t hurt any more than it already had. I just absorbed it all. One huge ball of pain, thousands of knives, one extra just didn’t make a difference.
I was far from okay but I was trying to get better.
I don’t know what I feel about it all now. It’s been 9 months. It is still very painful to think about but I hardly acknowledge it. It made me stronger and tougher, I know that now. I’ll never be the same though. I have never let anyone in the way I did and I don’t know if I ever will again. I never want to give anyone permission to hurt me like he did.
For the people that hurt me, there’s a mark, a red line, going over all of our memories and with time, I’m crossing them all out every time until they don’t matter anymore, you don’t matter anymore, and the pain is gone. It’s sad, true, and it’s real. The only way for me to move on is to erase it like it never existed, till it all just feels like a dream or a story, not a real memory. This is what goes on in the back of my mind.
– Moving Forward –
I was looking for someone to rescue me, someone to love me and make me feel like I wanted to be alive. I should have found that person inside myself because no one person can complete you. You have to walk into a relationship as a whole person. I came broken and it wasn’t supposed to be his job to fix me. He had his own problems. He tried in the beginning to be that hero for me but he didn’t know how and I’m sure my pain and problems were weighing him down all the time. He used to tell me it didn’t but I think it did. I’m learning to love myself now. I didn’t want him to take the blame for the entire relationship failing and reading this back now, I did blame him but you need two people to be in a relationship. I had no business giving someone my heart when it was already broken and I tried very hard but we just weren’t right for each other, that’s the truth, and I’m learning to be okay with that and let it be my past, no matter how hard that is and maybe now I can stop holding on to it. It’s been hard but I don’t want to give pain control over me forever.
Well, that was my first storytime. I know it was super long, almost 3,000 words. I think this is the longest blog post that I have ever had. Thank you for reading it until the end. It was a crazy story and I lived it, maybe someone reading this has had a crazy story too, sometimes love ends in heartbreak but you can always heal, learn, and grow from it.
Until next time,
Xo,
Nina.
All gifs originated from google images.
The nina diaries 
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