KIDS, TRAUMA, MOVING ON

I was going to title this blog post, “Why I Probably Won’t Have Kids”, but when I got to the end of the post it seemed a little bigger than just the one subject matter. This is a really hard post for me to write. It is probably the most personal. And some people may call me selfish and that’s okay. I would rather be selfish with myself but also very protective of my potential children that I may or may not have.

I have so much trauma. So much unbelievable trauma and pain that I have been trying so hard to heal for over a decade and I am still having to have those conversations with those that have hurt me trying to get them to recognize the detriment of their actions and why I am in pain. Also accepting the fact that I will have to heal knowing some people will never accept accountability.

I cannot imagine putting my child through anything like this. I never want to be in a place in my life so far removed from reality that they cannot come to me with their problems and I am not willing to own the part that I have played in their pain. I know I would be an amazing mom but I also cannot risk them having the same mental struggles that I do.

I don’t know if I will ever heal enough to be able to have kids and that is the one promise that I made myself. My kids would be allowed to be kids and wouldn’t grow up having to know the trauma that I faced as a child and into adulthood.

And I think about the fact that my father was never there for me and I gave him one final chance this year and he blew it so he will never know me or my future spouse or potential children. I also don’t want my kids to wonder why they aren’t connected as much to maternal side of the family as the paternal.

I think about the idea of being married and it feels more like a dream than reality. I think that I have accepted that my life isn’t linear. I have accepted the things that I cannot change. I have also accepted that I cannot keep holding things in if I expect to live life as freely as I choose.

So FUCK my deadbeat father for not choosing me. For choosing drugs. For choosing other kids. For choosing other women. For choosing anything and everything before me.

FUCK all the men that came into my life that could have been father figures, family, friends, brothers, support systems to me and left me to figure it out on my own. Especially the ones that promised to be there and weren’t.

FUCK all the women that came into my life that should have shown me the value of motherhood, sisterhood, family, and friendship and instead made me feel alone.

And a big FUCK YOU to everyone that could have done so much better being there for me but was too selfish to heal their own trauma and issues and made excuses.

If I do conquer every single one of my dreams and make it into Hollywood, it won’t be because of you.

THANK YOU to the friends I met in California, Texas, Missouri that are always listening, offering advice and support. You always answer the phone and text me back. You have shown me true friendship and kindness I have never known and I will always be grateful. Thank you to all my avid readers who tune in to see what I post. I know this was more of a rant than my usual posts but know it came from my heart.

I came back home to heal my childhood trauma and to go back to Hollywood with a new found hope, perspective, and support system.

I am ready to move on.

Xo,

Nina.