When Choosing Yourself Still Hurts

Last Wednesday, I quit my job.

I did it for my mental health. For my peace. For my survival.

And at first, I felt amazing. I knew it was the right decision. I still know it.

But the truth is, as the days have passed, something unexpected happened:

The numbness set in.

The crying came.

The weight of everything I endured for over a year finally caught up with me.

I’m Grieving More Than Just a Job

It’s not just the paycheck I left behind.

I built something incredible that I didn’t know was even possible. I did something I didn’t know I could even do.

I ran an entire department by myself with only 4 months of training. I organized it. I made study guides, I trained other people. I made the shit look easy.

And that is why people felt the need to disrespect me at every turn. They had no idea how hard I worked and how dedicated I was to the job.

Day in and day out I stayed there despite the horrible treatment and I kept pushing back every time, demanding I be respected.

I earned my place there whether they wanted me in that position or not.

It’s the exhaustion of having to explain, justify, and defend my basic humanity at a place that never deserved me.

I honestly hope they are going through hell now. Those mofos didn’t know how to do much of anything without me.

It’s the pain of realizing how much I survived quietly, how often I smiled while breaking inside.

Leaving was an act of self-respect.

But healing? Healing still hurts.

And Now, The Reality Hits Hard

My boyfriend still works there.

He’s picking up extra hours, covering bills, doing what he can while I try to find my next move—and that reality weighs heavy on me.

Even though he tells me he supports me (and I believe him), I know it’s hard on both of us.

I feel the pressure. The guilt. The fear.

I almost broke down today trying to explain it all during a job interview.

This shit is draining. All of it.

What I Really Want? Freedom.

I don’t just want another job.

I want to build something for myself.

I want freedom.

I want peace.

I want to create a life where I never have to explain why I deserve basic respect again.

I’ve been dreaming of starting my own business for years now.

I’m still doing the research.

Still trying to figure it all out.

Still holding onto hope that one day, I’ll look back on this and realize it was the beginning of something bigger.

But right now? It’s just hard.

It’s messy.

It’s uncertain.

And I’m tired.

Final Word: It’s Okay If Choosing Yourself Isn’t Pretty

If you’re here too—crying after quitting, doubting yourself, feeling like the road is too long—I see you.

Choosing yourself doesn’t always feel like a victory march.

Sometimes it feels like sitting alone in the dark, wondering if you made a mistake.

But you didn’t!

You’re just finally feeling all the things you were too busy surviving to process before.

You are not failing. You are healing.

And even if it’s hard to see right now, this will be the start of something better.

I’m still that bitch. Even on the days I’m crying.

Especially on the days I’m crying.

My manager called me a cry baby.

I hope these tears one day win me a Grammy, bitch! 💋